


I love him...

by deanisbiandsoami



Series: Why? JUst why did I come up with this? [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Cas and Dean are the same age), Alternate Universe - College/University, Dean's a major dickhead, Established Relationship, God - Freeform, Hurt, Hurt Castiel, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Student Dean, Teacher Castiel, and a stupid one at that, what have I done?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanisbiandsoami/pseuds/deanisbiandsoami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...but only on my own<br/>(Inspired by this very line out of 'On my Own' from les misèrables)</p><p>Castiel never had nightmares… not when he slept. It was his life that was the nightmare. When he woke up and realized that those green eyes would never look at him again and even if they did, they wouldn't be loving, they would be indifferent maybe even cold or disgusted. He'd never be called Cas again or Angel. He'd never be held that way again, never kissed that way. God, he missed Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love him...

They had that big long tragic love story about how it took them years to find out that they loved each other and then it took months for Dean to accept that he was gay, about how Dean didn't want to come out and how when he did they were bullied and harassed, about how Dean got more and more distant, how they got closer again when out of high school and going to college and finally - at least what was the final piece to most of people including Dean - Castiel coming home to Dean shagging some bitch from his English class. It felt as if his heart was drained, stabbed, stomped on and ripped to shreds at the same time. The worst about it was Dean didn't even try to apologize. Hell, he didn't even throw the girl out. He looked Cas in the eyes - still buried balls deep in the girl - at least he had the decency to look embarrassed. The next day Dean was gone from their shared apartment.

 

And Castiel loved him. No he loves him. More than everything, with every little shred of his heart. He dreamed of him, of the happy mornings, of their nights, of their anniversaries. He dreamt of the love of his life… that is when he's alone.

 

As soon as there are other people Cas hates Dean. He is the villain, the bad guy that destroyed Cas's perfect world.

 

It was an exhausting day, family dinner and everyone asking 'Where's Dean' followed by the collective 'Dickhead'  Castiel just wanted to sleep.

 

He slumped down on his bed and closed his eyes, seeing green ones stare back at him. It felt good to have this loving eyes on him again, it made it easier to fall asleep. He had always felt safe around Dean. And he dreamed about all those times Dean had told him that he loved him, of all their kisses if it were the little ones shared before going to classes or coming home from the part time job or the big ones like their first or if it were the hot, passionate kisses before making love.

 

Castiel never had nightmares… not when he slept. It was his life that was the nightmare. When he woke up and realized that those green eyes would never look at him again and even if they did, they wouldn't be loving, they would be indifferent maybe even cold or disgusted. He'd never be called Cas again or Angel. He'd never be held that way again, never kissed that way. God, he missed Dean.

 

Castiel was a professor now, teaching History and Theology at Kansas State University. He could easily get a post at a more prenominated college but he just couldn't let go of his memories. Everything here reminded him of Dean and he loved it. He felt safe here. It was easier to remember Dean's love.

 

He was just sorting his notes for the next class. Today was the first lecture of his new History class. He loved new classes, always a fresh start, new people, new stories, new minds.

 

Today however his heart didn't speed up with excitement when he looked up into all the eager face - that honestly were mostly half asleep fifty percent of the time spent in classrooms - no it stopped dead, Cas feeling the outline of every single piece Dean left behind because said man was sitting in the second row talking to the girl beside him. Cas's heart ached. Dean Winchester. In his class… why?

 

Cas swallowed the lump in his throat as the bell rang and the students turned to him - some filtering in a few minutes after the bell.

 

"Well…" He started, desperately avoiding the second row which wasn't all that easy, seeing as the room only had three rows and there wasn't many other students to look at. "I'm professor Novak and as you probably know, I'm teaching History and Theology. Now, History. What kind of history?" He stepped in front of his desk, leaning against it slightly.

 

"We'll be focusing on American History, starting with Columbus discovering the New World. Yeah, we've all heard that before but nevertheless it is the origin of what we today know as United States of America and our Home." He smiled, looking at the students a little closer.

 

"But before we start, I like to know a bit of my students history, so why don't you just tell me first of all your name and why you chose History." Castiel said, returning to sit behind his desk.

 

It wasn't much different from other classes, Castiel threaded Dean's turn to speak. He'd have to look at him. He'd have to see those cold eyes on him where he only wanted to see love and passion. He was worried he'd break down.

 

"My name's Dean Winchester," and oh his voice was so much more beautiful than Castiel remembered. It glued the pieces of his heart together as if it was magic. "I'm here to get a Master in engineering and chose History as a minor because I wanted to know more about this nation and it's, well, history." Dean smiled his charming one-sided smile and Castiel's heart swelled to its doubled size, cracks rubbing against each other painfully because the smile was no longer his to kiss away. Castiel nodded. He couldn't keep a smile from tugging at the corners of his mouth.

 

It was a long lecture and this was going to be a long year. He sighed as he stacked his notes and then jumped as he heard someone clear his throat. He looked up to see Dean stand there, his face falling into the mask he wore every time people from his family or friends talked about Dean. He lifted one eyebrow.

 

"Hello." Dean said, that damn smile appearing on his face again. Somehow it made Castiel's mask burn to ashes and fall to the ground.

 

"No." Castiel  said. He almost screamed, his voice trembling. "You do not just walk back into my life with a one-sided grin and a STUPID HELLO!" He took a deep breath.

 

"Cas, Calm down." And there was the nickname and it hurt because there was no trace of adoration left in it.

 

"Calm down?" Castiel asked. "you know what? Leave." Dean averted his eyes.

 

"I love you." Dean said and Castiel felt tears rise up in his eyes.

 

"No. You don't Dean. If you loved me, you'd never have slept with that girl, I don't care if you had feelings for her or not you are the only one I have every had sex with and damn that meant a lot to me. If you'd ever loved me you wouldn't have played all important just to leave my ass alone in a world where everything was you. If you'd ever loved me you wouldn't have just let me go, when I walked into that bedroom, you would've shoved that girl off and ran after me but you didn't even apologize. You just looked at me and that's why you do not get to tell me who has loved you for almost twenty years - and yes I've loved you since I was thirteen - and who has never ever stopped loving you. You do not get to tell ME that you love me." Castiel said. "And also. My name is Castiel." He felt a traitorous tear run down his cheek and he clenched his jaw.

 

"I'm so motherfucking sorry, god, I was a dick, I was scared Cas, scared of how much I felt for you and I just- I panicked." Dean explained.

 

"Too late, Dean. Maybe, I would've forgiven you, if you'd told me right away… but not after ten years… not now" Castiel said, straightening up and putting his notes into his bag.

 

"Cas, please believe me. I love you so much, Cas, I never thought of anyone else like this, I've been miserable and I-"

 

"Then why the hell didn't you fight for me when there was still time?" Castiel asked. "You walked away leaving me with the last memory of the love of my life being buried balls deep into some chick I didn't even know the last name of. Do you have any idea how worthless I felt? How much it hurt that you could just let me go like that?"

 

"Cas, I know, I know I fucked it up epically but please Cas… would you give me a chance? Would you marry me?" Dean asked. Castiel blinked, tears falling from his eyes.

 

"No." He said. "I love you, Dean, and I will always do but I cannot be with you without feeling like a desperate, worthless slut." He slammed his bag close, leaving the classroom. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :33


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